Wednesday, July 29, 2015

parts of speech

i hear it all the time: "why don't you say something?"

"why are you so quiet?"

"you don't talk much."

the most recent instance, a saturday night. my son was in town for the evening and was at my house with his new girlfriend and some friends of theirs whom i'd not seen in a long time. all of them early-20-somethings preparing for saturday night shenanigans, i had little to add to the goings-on. i was in the room, taking them in and enjoying having them here, when i wasn't doing a small bit of catching up. "basking in the atmosphere they were creating" is the best i can do to describe it.

my daughter was also at home, and she had a friend of hers over. her friend, an artless pipsqueak of a girl whom i love as if she were my own, said it this time: "you're all quiet over here."

i didn't get defensive, or offended, or angry.

"that be how i do." is what i told her.

usually the remarks come from people i've seen in some sort of regular, day-to-day context - acquaintances. occasionally, though, i get one of them from a complete stranger, someone i've just met. Whatever the source, the blurted and tacky, tactless and impolite noise-for-the-sake-of-noise always makes me wonder how they'd respond if i followed suit.

"why don't you say something?"

because i have nothing to say.

it's worth mentioning that i've said this many times. while i've learned that it's not rude, not exactly, it does have a tendency to alienate people.

"why are you so quiet?"

why are you so talkative?

"you don't talk much."

you talk too much.

not that i'd choose either of those responses - they're rude and confrontational and blunt, and i have a pretty strong tendency to not be any of those things. unless i know you fairly well and i'm comfortable with you. or unless i'm writing words at a screen. then i can be rude and confrontational and blunt. i can even be a dick sometimes.

but in real life, with all the sometimes-far-too-real people? not so much.

so. why am i so quiet?

i'm not, if the right handful of people are around, and the right topic comes up. my absolute favorite is when an absurd notion turns into an epic speculative-nonsense planning session that serves only to amuse anyone involved. i can do serious talks as well, though i'm better at commiseration than i am at giving good advice. i tend to avoid talking about issues that have sides. too many people are far too entrenched in their views and far too quick to consider a difference of opinion a personal slight. i don't want to deal with it.

i've got nothing against small talk - strangers in public asking me "how's it going?" or "how ya doin?" or a million other variants on "hi" are... i don't know. maybe they're putting out their feelers for suitable additions to their people collections.

maybe it's a compulsion.

i don't know what's going on in their heads, so i couldn't say. i'm a huge fan of small talk when it comes to people other than random strangers, because... how else are you going to find out whether someone is worth getting to know? i've had very few deep, significant, or meaningful conversations with people the first time i met them. the exceptions have been far between as well as few, and none of the people from those conversations remain a significant part of my life.

in groups, i often find that i'm talked over or ignored when i have something to add to whatever's going on. this has trained me to keep what i have to say to myself, to watch what's happening instead. one-on-one, that's not really an option. i have one end of a conversation to hold up. because i'm pretty resistant to "take-a-side" discussions, have little interest in most pop-culture talk, and would prefer silence nine times out of ten, i don't do well in that situation.

the thing that keeps me quiet the most? far too often, i string words together in sentences that i reckon are perfectly coherent, but that people hear completely differently. for a guy who doesn't like to talk a whole lot, this can lead to a whole bunch of additional talking to clarify what i said in the first place.

so. again. why am i so quiet?

it could be just about anything.


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